Self evident statement - depression is bleak and horrible and painful.
Possibly not so self-evident - the worst of this particular bout has passed, as I'm able to start writing again. And the voice that tells me that being dead is preferable is once again quiet in the background rather than yelling constantly in the forefront of my mind.
The last couple of years have been hard. There's been a lot of self-examination, under the guidance of my psychologist. There has been EMDR therapy, which was devastating at the time, but ultimately helpful (do you really want to sit with your worst emotional memories? Yeah, thought not). Untold amounts of self-loathing and pain (actualising it provides temporary relief). Rather a lot of crying. Far too much pulling back from everyone because it was too much effort, unable to articulate the pain, unable to think I was worth caring about. Which means, yes, there was relationship counselling as well. It was oddly easier to talk about problems with a mediator to keep us on track.
Side comment - good therapists (of all sorts) are worth their weight in musgravites. Huge thank you to my people. As are friends who check in on you. You've help keep me going. As is someone who is willing to work on a relationship, and help their partner manage severe depression, fibromyalgia and ME/CFS, whilst also doing a stressful job and being responsible for a mother with dementia. Love you, babe.
A bit more family history found. It was surprisingly helpful to be able to consider my family tree and find some of the depressives, those who attempted suicide and those who were successful at it. It's not just me. There is generational trauma, and C-PTSD, and an increasingly crazy and intolerant world (lots of advances, but still a lot of pressure to meet societal norms).
Getting the dosage of my meds right (and getting the right meds). Much better options than there were 35 years ago when I should have first been prescribed them.
Drawing a line on this, most recent, bout of depression has meant an emergency plan for next time it descends (saved to our home NAS, shared data drive, my folder). It's also meant the first tattoo in over 20 years - simple line work depicting moon phases - an elemental image to remind me "this too shall pass", grounding me.
